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LIFE IS A KILLER

by karōshi

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1.
arsonist 02:54
you will become the talk of the town once they figure out who burned it down take the blame that you deserve, apologies are cutthroat and rehearsed you can try to tame what you admire and claim you won’t grow tired of trying to put out a forest fire you will become the talk of the town once they figure out where you’ve been hiding out you will become the talk of the town once they find you and drag you out you will become the talk of the town once they crucify you upside down take the power that you want, then it’s up to you to fuck it all up you can claim all the land you desire, doll it up in your razor wire it’ll look better as a forest fire, it’ll look even better as a forest fire. you and i will burn together, laughing while the flames grow higher you and i will sing louder, then the flames licking the bottom of the pyre you and i will burn together, smiling at the warmth of the fire you and i will become intertwined, once the smoke begins to spiral
2.
every morning, i want to roll over and talk about my dreams. but they’ll just make you angry with me. how can that be, how can i be, anything less than honest in a fantasy? you don’t think that i would, but i know that i could. and i just might start to roll over and tell you everything. that i dreamed of last night but it’ll just make you angry with me. how can that be? how can i be so close to happy so far from reality? you don’t think that i should, but i know me, i would. and i just might i guess that’s why when i dream, i wake up screaming. it didn’t happen to be real, yet it happened to me. when I’m tossing and turning, it’s best to let me be. i thought that we’d agreed that sleeping is easier than living. so i’m kicking myself out, back onto the couch. so that when i wake up, things are easy. i want to roll over and tell you the truth, just like i’m supposed to. what doesn’t hurt me doesn’t have to hurt you. unless you want it to.
3.
last night 03:09
...real long life full of bad nights, okay so close the blinds and turn off all of the lights, for the last time real hard time getting down from this one, i hope where you’re going is peaceful. for you, and only you. now sleep easy. easier than you have been, my friend tough one out and i hope it didn’t hurt, bravely turning back into light inside the dirt. what’s the last song that you heard? i begged the question to the trees in your backyard. the ones that held you but can’t repeat any final words, of yours of course they don’t. pushed yourself over the edge, no warning. no more nights and no more mornings. they found you and held you close as long as they could before someone else takes you away, always acting too late maybe you fulfilled our purpose, supposed to lay back down underneath the surface. pull the earth up as a blanket, six feet of dirt a long rest real deserved. until one night the moonlight dimmed out and turned to black and you turned as blue as the eyes you once had how they’d pierce through mine and make them shine right back! were you making white air to become the white clouds up there? up there just swaying, up there just smiling, up there in the moonlight, last night...
4.
my stomach pangs when i need a taste it’s an ugly appetite that i begrudgingly sate it’s a pointless agreement that i crave, im ashamed the hollowness that follows the mess the clear conscious slips after merely seconds you could care less and less, is your stomach not bottomless? sure the siren song might’ve lured me but i’d always heard it
5.
5-10/10-5 02:10
so tomorrow you work five to ten and tomorrow i work ten to five well let’s meet up and exchange our switchblades and pass out underneath the streetlights we can sink to the bottom of the puget sound, count me in if i can get clocked out i’m off of work and i’m wide awake and i think i’ll head to yours now i thought you were giving up cutting up ribbons of myself passing out on key on time i think i should go home, could i spend the night again and again while i figure it out again and again codependence seems fit isn’t it toxic to be all covered in self doubt? i hope, i bet it is. you bet safe because you know i’m full of shit, bet hard and get over it if i stare at the sun long enough i don’t gotta see anymore. it was a long night for a whole life
6.
self offense 03:26
i think about it all day, every day. how to make my stomach and brain behave. i save the words i want to say, for people who listen and don’t take it any sort of way i think about it all week, every week. how to say sorry for nothing it’s the same mistake that I’ve been making, since my voice started changing (it’s the same mistake that I’ve been making since my will has started breaking) i think about it all month, every month. how much doing what i want will be enough? no matter what, i will fuck it up. i will fuck it up I’ve thought about it all year, for all these years. i could live a thousand more and still have no idea all i hope is that after everything, Everything disappears. self offense, have a great crisis. send postcards from peace and fucking quiet im anxious instead of excited. I’m too frustrated I’m too upset, i can’t focus
7.
1000x1000 04:02
a thousand cycles of a thousand years, a million ways out and you’re still here. all out of patience, all out of mattress, all full of candles and all out of matches i don’t want the head that i have, so bad that i’m gonna give it back i think its gonna hurt, i think I’m gonna laugh, i can’t wait for this to pass then i won’t wanna sing so bad i could be my own hero, and make the whole world stop. all it takes, is all i’ve got a thousand cycles of a thousand years, a million chances but you’re still here all out of malice all out of practice, all good intentions, all bad habits i take all the punishment that i can, once i get the razor into my hands i’m cutting them off and never playing again, let my teeth make the decisions i want the curtains to start closing, the very second that they open feeling slightly underwhelmed during my overdosing i could be my own hero, and make the whole world stop all i gotta do is cut my head off my god
8.
how was art school chad, you look really great in that dad hat. considering you’re emotionally stunted and financially stable. fitting, very fitting, how fucking cool. how cool does cool get when u try really hard to look like you don’t give a shit about anything? how was university? you look like the city! got to you that’s cool. i like your voice a lot, you complain a lot, but you don’t vote. how cool does cool get when you only pretend to give a shit when convenient? how cool is mom’s car, how cool is dad’s car, when you crash it? i hope all the bad things happen to you and only you because i’m jealous. aw how’s life chad? “aw fuck, shucks, great” well i’m glad. how do you sleep at night? on that king size mattress with your mistress on your father’s opiates. my how big your eyes are chad, did you do a line or the whole bag? are you scared yet? COOL!
9.
neighbors 02:52
from the fifth floor we have a good view of what the neighbors like to do they like to fuck and eat and drink themselves to fucking sleep and at night they look out at us too because its the same shit that we are up to from the rooftop we have a good view of what the neighborhood is up to they like to laugh and skate at cal anderson every day for any excuse that they can make. breaking legs on their lunch breaks. i just try to stay out of the way i can only stay awake i can only really wait i can only try to relate for so many days, in so few ways from the basement we hear the traffic. it sounds better than you’d imagined so lets walk outside and watch the cars collide and good days like to have bad nights so more often than not we stay inside. because home is where the body hides. and home is where the headache subsides in the storage room where we practice, trying to make better noise happen i put bad words underneath good chords and our drummer plays until it hurts and this is the worst song of ours you’ve heard. no worries, the neighborhood told me first i can only really fake it i can only really take it i can only try to be it for so many weekends, for so few reasons take the escape you create, its up to you its up to waste cut your bangs and carve your fangs some words are better not to say, how good can bad blood taste?
10.
zoloft 01:49
i’m a doctors experiment, but the results don’t look quite perfect these pills should help me not feel so worthless, they just fill my head with hatred + my doctors wallets side effects the try to hide, like a lack of sleep and a loss of appetite side effects that they don’t share, they said vivid dreams not hostile nightmares side effects that they conceal, they expected progress? said it should take approximately two weeks for the side effects to wear off fucking lies spit through their teeth was it some sick joke to get my mother’s worried hopes up? gonna swallow it and fake some happiness and sign the line with a list of my prescriptions, that’s it.

credits

released May 6, 2020

KARŌSHI is
peren votolato : words + guitar
adam heim : bass guitar
rahul mathew : drums

written + recorded by karōshi in our practice space
mixed by karōshi with help from dan hanna
mastered by josh head
album artwork by mylean raeder

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karōshi Seattle, Washington

peren votolato
rahul mathew
torsen etschied
august moore

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